Goodbye, My Love
by Gummy'Fish'Lover
Summary: I miss you. I hate you. I love you, so much more than you will ever know. Always, Jane. -One Shot.


_**May I say, a lot of my own sobbing was put into this story. Mostly because I had to read two million other "Goodbye Fred" fanfics and I twisted myself into sobbing, but not stopping because it produced good material. So..you are welcome. Take my sadness and read. I'm literally sitting here crying right now. **_

_May, 9th, 1998. _

_Dear Fred,_

_I don't know why I'm writing you. Angelina suggested it, something about it making me feel better._

_It's not working. It's just making me realize how much I miss you. _

_At first, I couldn't...I kept saying that you weren't dead. You couldn't be dead. Because you can't. I mean who's going to stop George from making out with Angelina in the hallway? Who's going to pull pranks with me? Who's gonna help me with all my papers? You're not allowed to be gone._

_I think George died with you. I think I did too. But George cries, George is sad, broken, depressed. __I'm not. I'm not depressed or sad, I haven't cried. Because I can't. I can't feel Fred. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I'm here and I can't feel. _

_You can't be dead. You were always happy and smiling and Percy cracked and joke and...__You're not dead. Okay? You're..._

_I can't do this Freddie. I can't do this anymore. I can't have you gone. I need you. I don't know what to do anymore._

_Do you remember when we were at my house and we convinced Ron that there was a ghost in the attic? And you laughed. _

_I miss your laugh. _

_I miss your smile._

_I miss how you're slightly taller than George. _

_I miss how you have that one freckle on the tip of your ear. _

_I miss your hate of mornings. _

_I miss the way you hug me. _

_I miss how you hate oranges._

_I miss how you compliment my accent._

_I miss how ticklish you are. _

_I miss how you let me play with your hair._

_I hate how you're gone._

_I hate how I can't see you anymore. _

_I hate how it's hard to be around George. _

_I hate how I can't tell you what I want._

_I hate how I love you._

_I hate how you didn't know. _

_I hate how oblivious you were._

_I hate you for leaving._

_I love you for being my friend. _

_I love how you poked my nose. _

_I love how you mocked me._

_I love how you had an obsession with Pumpkin Juice. _

_I love how you always got me sugar quills. _

_I miss you._

_I hate you. _

_I love you, so much more than you will ever know._

_Always, _

_Jane._

* * *

_April, 1st, 1999._

_Dear Freddie,_

_Happy Birthday, __love._

_It's been quite some time since I've written you. I'm sorry. __George made sure your name was on the cake._

_Your mom cried, sobbed, but did it anyway. __I didn't. I still can't. I don't think it has sunk in yet. I mean I know you're gone, but I don't feel it. I still wake up everyday, thinking you'll be there. But I've been to your grave. __I watched you get buried._

_Ginny's worried. She says I'm keeping it bottled up and that writing you letters leads me into a false sense of security. _

_If it does, I don't want to give it up. Writing this letter to you, Is the only thing I know won't change. that will stay the same no matter what._

_I'm sorry this one isn't as long as I'd like it to be. I'll write soon._

_I love you, Always._

_Jane.  
_

* * *

_April, 30th, 1999._

_Dear Love,_

_Ginny yelled at me yesterday. She almost had an heart attack when she saw that I left a letter on your grave. She says I've been acting dead, George and I._

_I don't think she understands. George has Angelina, she's there for him in ways I can't be. He's gotten better. It's really good, he's happy now. I'm happy that he's happy. _

_But I'm not. Like I said on your birthday, I can't feel, love. It doesn't feel like you're gone. And that's not good, I suppose. I'm okay with it. It's better than feeling sad. I never liked sad. But then again who does? _

_George told me he was worried about me. Some joke about his ear, and then sinking into a hole. I swear I'm okay though. I swear, love. I just need time, and to be alone. But I don't get that. I'm never alone. In fact, I've very aware that Ginny is awake right now, she was never a very good actor. _

_I think they think I might do something rash love. I'm not saying I haven't thought about it, __But you would be so disappointing, I know you would. So I don't. So highly even in death._

_Hermione__ spit something medical at me the other day, you know about how it wasn't healthy that I wasn't crying. _

_I think I should take a break from writing you Freddie. I don't want to be a burden on them. I'll see you._

_I love you, Always._

_Jane.  
_

* * *

_June, 8th, 2000._

_Dear Freddie,_

_It's been far to long, love, I apologize. _

_I think this is what they wanted, was for me to cry. Break down and sob. And I did. _

_We were cleaning the little parts of Hogwarts today and I found a mirror. I must have sat in front of it for hours. __You were there. You had that stupid freckle and the ear- so I knew my mind wasn't trying to convince me that George was there. It took me awhile but I figured out was it was._

___"Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi"_

_The mirror of Erised. _

_The worst part was I knew it wasn't you. It burned and I sat there and I couldn't take it._

_No more Freddie. It was actually just a moment ago and I thought that maybe writing you would give me solace, but it's not and I'm scared. I can't stop crying and I don't know if I need someone or If I want to be alone and I wish so awfully for you to be here, but you're not. _

_I don't know how to cope. My only defense mechanism was numbness and I don't know what- I can't stop Freddie. I need you. I need you here so badly- but you're gone and I can't. _

_I need to breathe._

_...Okay. I'm okay. What was it you use to say? "Crying sounds different in American." And I'd reply "It's not a language idiot"._

_And you were here and it was okay and-_

"GOD DAMMIT."_  
_

I screamed as loud as I could, hearing the echos go through the house and leave a heart wrenching sound. I knew I should stop, because last time I checked it was about 3 in the morning- but I couldn't. I sobbed and screamed and barely registering the sound of people waking up.

I couldn't register George's arms coming around me and shushing, and I didn't care because it wasn't Fred. George didn't say it was okay, or that it would be better. He just let me scream and sob.

_and I finally understand how it was for someone to lose someone this close to them. I don't know if I'll move on from you._

_But I still don't know If I want to._

_I'll never forget you._

_Goodbye for now. _

_I love you. _

_Always. I'll always love you._

_Jane. _


End file.
